0 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,000 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org 1 00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:40,762 'Far out, in the uncharted backwaters at the unfashionable end 2 00:00:40,882 --> 00:00:43,500 'of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy, 3 00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:46,520 'lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 4 00:00:47,293 --> 00:00:50,662 'Orbiting this at a distance of roughly 92 million miles 5 00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:54,431 'is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet 6 00:00:54,551 --> 00:00:58,558 'whose ape-descended lifeforms are so amazingly primitive 7 00:00:58,678 --> 00:01:02,632 'that they still think digital watches are neat. 8 00:01:03,572 --> 00:01:06,893 'This planet has-or had - a problem, which was this - 9 00:01:07,013 --> 00:01:11,028 'most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. 10 00:01:12,050 --> 00:01:14,410 'Many solutions were suggested for this problem, 11 00:01:14,530 --> 00:01:19,420 'mostly concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 12 00:01:20,090 --> 00:01:22,638 'which is odd, because, on the whole, 13 00:01:22,758 --> 00:01:26,483 'it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. 14 00:01:27,469 --> 00:01:31,309 'And so the problem remained and lots of the people were mean, 15 00:01:31,429 --> 00:01:35,400 'and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.' 16 00:01:41,315 --> 00:01:45,337 'Many increasingly felt that they'd all made a big mistake 17 00:01:45,457 --> 00:01:48,404 'in coming down from the trees in the first place. 18 00:01:53,394 --> 00:01:56,515 'And some said that even the trees had been a bad move 19 00:01:56,635 --> 00:01:59,497 'and that no one should ever have left the oceans. 20 00:02:05,696 --> 00:02:06,881 'And then, one day, 21 00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:10,730 'nearly 2,000 years after one man had been nailed to a tree 22 00:02:10,850 --> 00:02:14,149 'for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, 23 00:02:14,269 --> 00:02:18,202 'a girl sitting on her own in a small caf� in Rickmansworth 24 00:02:18,322 --> 00:02:22,114 'suddenly realised what it was had been going wrong all this time, 25 00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:26,179 'and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. 26 00:02:26,531 --> 00:02:28,660 'This time it was right, it would work, 27 00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:31,185 'and no one would have to get nailed to anything. 28 00:02:31,703 --> 00:02:35,073 'Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone, 29 00:02:35,193 --> 00:02:39,756 'the Earth was demolished to make way for a hyperspace by-pass 30 00:02:39,876 --> 00:02:42,324 'and so the idea was lost forever. 31 00:02:52,424 --> 00:02:55,571 'Meanwhile, Arthur Dent has escaped from the Earth 32 00:02:55,691 --> 00:02:57,179 'in the company of a friend of his, 33 00:02:57,299 --> 00:03:00,639 'who has unexpectedly turned out to be from a small planet 34 00:03:00,759 --> 00:03:05,522 'in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and not from Guildford after all. 35 00:03:06,074 --> 00:03:08,152 'His name is Ford Prefect, 36 00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:11,564 'for reasons which are unlikely to become clear again at the moment, 37 00:03:11,684 --> 00:03:15,800 'and they're hiding in a Vogon spaceship.' 38 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,517 What's that? 39 00:03:17,637 --> 00:03:20,558 If we're lucky, it's a Vogon come to throw us out into space. 40 00:03:20,678 --> 00:03:21,979 And if we're unlucky? 41 00:03:22,566 --> 00:03:25,701 The captain might want to read us some of his poetry first. 42 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,600 Oh, freddled gruntbuggly! 43 00:03:32,849 --> 00:03:35,160 Thy micturitions are to me 44 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,950 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee 45 00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:44,304 That mordiously hath bitled out its earted jurtles... 46 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:53,926 Now the jurpling slayjd agrocrustles 47 00:03:54,046 --> 00:03:57,003 Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts... 48 00:03:57,123 --> 00:04:01,430 'Vogon poetry is, of course, the third worst in the Universe. 49 00:04:05,825 --> 00:04:09,042 'The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. 50 00:04:09,899 --> 00:04:15,484 'During a recitation by their poetmaster Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem: 51 00:04:21,150 --> 00:04:24,121 '... four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging 52 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:28,407 'and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council 53 00:04:29,075 --> 00:04:32,832 'only survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. 54 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:38,364 'Grunthos is reported to have been disappointed by the poem's reception, 55 00:04:38,484 --> 00:04:41,907 'and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic: 56 00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:47,265 'when his own major intestine, 57 00:04:47,385 --> 00:04:50,025 'in a desperate attempt to save lifekind, 58 00:04:50,145 --> 00:04:53,360 'leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. 59 00:04:54,756 --> 00:05:02,374 'The very worst poetry of all and its creator: 60 00:05:02,494 --> 00:05:05,548 'perished in the destruction of the planet Earth. 61 00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:10,150 'Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.' 62 00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:19,080 Now the jurpling slayid agrocrustles 63 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,613 Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts... 64 00:05:22,733 --> 00:05:27,997 And living glupules frart and slipulate 65 00:05:28,117 --> 00:05:31,522 Like jowling meated liverslime. 66 00:05:32,223 --> 00:05:34,147 Groop I implore thee 67 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,920 My foonting turling dromes 68 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:42,548 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles 69 00:05:42,668 --> 00:05:47,820 Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon 70 00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:49,370 See if I don't! 71 00:05:51,077 --> 00:05:53,480 - So, Earthlings... - I'm not an Earthling. 72 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,112 Quiet! I present you with a simple choice. 73 00:05:57,232 --> 00:06:01,400 Think very carefully, for your very lives lie in your hands. 74 00:06:01,639 --> 00:06:06,101 Now choose! Either die in the vacuum of space 75 00:06:06,559 --> 00:06:11,090 or... tell me how good you thought my poem was. 76 00:06:12,182 --> 00:06:13,283 I liked it. 77 00:06:14,598 --> 00:06:15,314 Huh? 78 00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:17,486 Oh, yes. I thought some of the metaphysical imagery 79 00:06:17,606 --> 00:06:21,398 - Was particularly effective. - Yes? 80 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:28,158 Oh, and interesting... rhythmic devices... 81 00:06:28,278 --> 00:06:31,352 which seemed to counterpoint the, er... 82 00:06:31,472 --> 00:06:35,053 Counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the, er... 83 00:06:35,905 --> 00:06:37,520 Humanity... 84 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,366 - Vogonity. - Vogonity, sorry! 85 00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:42,926 Of the poet's compassionate soul, which strives 86 00:06:43,046 --> 00:06:48,884 through the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that, 87 00:06:49,004 --> 00:06:52,604 and one is left with a profound and vivid insight into... into... 88 00:06:52,724 --> 00:06:57,715 Into whatever the poem was about. That was very good. 89 00:06:58,666 --> 00:07:04,415 So, what you are saying is that I just write poetry 90 00:07:04,535 --> 00:07:09,138 because underneath my mean, callous, heartless exterior, 91 00:07:09,361 --> 00:07:11,920 I just want to be loved, is that it? 92 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:18,500 Well, I mean, yes, don't we all, deep down, underneath...? 93 00:07:19,381 --> 00:07:21,760 No! You're completely wrong. 94 00:07:22,351 --> 00:07:26,785 I write poetry just to throw my mean, callous, heartless exterior 95 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:30,155 into sharp relief. I'm going to throw you off the ship anyway. 96 00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:36,520 Guard! Take the prisoners to number 3 airlock and throw them out. 97 00:07:37,694 --> 00:07:40,040 This is great! This is really terrific! 98 00:07:40,383 --> 00:07:42,461 Ow! Let go of me, you brute! 99 00:07:42,581 --> 00:07:44,726 Don't worry - I'll think of something. 100 00:07:44,846 --> 00:07:47,800 Resistance is useless! 101 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,059 What is all this, Ford? 102 00:07:49,179 --> 00:07:51,478 I woke up this morning, thought I'd have a nice, relaxed day, 103 00:07:51,598 --> 00:07:53,380 do a bit of reading, brush the dog... 104 00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:57,242 It's 4.00 p.m. and I'm being thrown out of an alien spaceship 105 00:07:57,362 --> 00:07:59,532 five light years from the smoking remains of the Earth. 106 00:07:59,652 --> 00:08:02,453 Just stop panicking! Who mentioned panicking? 107 00:08:02,573 --> 00:08:04,015 This is just culture shock. 108 00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:08,080 Wait till I settle! Then I'll panic! 109 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,817 - Arthur, you're hysterical! Shut up! - Resistance is useless! 110 00:08:11,937 --> 00:08:14,811 - And you! - Resistance is useless! 111 00:08:14,931 --> 00:08:18,080 Give it a rest! Do you enjoy this sort of thing? 112 00:08:18,392 --> 00:08:19,830 What do you mean? 113 00:08:19,950 --> 00:08:22,624 What I mean is-does it give you a full, satisfying life? 114 00:08:23,141 --> 00:08:24,925 Full, satisfying life? 115 00:08:25,045 --> 00:08:30,080 Yeah, stomping around, shouting, pushing people off spaceships. 116 00:08:30,546 --> 00:08:33,411 - Well, the hours are good. - They'd have to be (!) 117 00:08:33,531 --> 00:08:36,182 - Ford, what are you doing? - Shh! 118 00:08:36,793 --> 00:08:41,155 - So, the hours are good? - Yeah. But now you mention it, 119 00:08:41,275 --> 00:08:44,044 most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy. 120 00:08:44,164 --> 00:08:46,732 Except some of the shouting I quite like. 121 00:08:46,852 --> 00:08:49,414 Resistance is... 122 00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:53,400 Sure, yes, you're good at that, I can tell. 123 00:08:54,164 --> 00:08:58,765 But if the rest of it is so lousy, why do you do it? 124 00:08:59,528 --> 00:09:00,760 The girls? 125 00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:04,120 The rubber? The machismo? 126 00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:09,099 I don't know, really. I think I just sort of... do it. 127 00:09:09,219 --> 00:09:13,752 My aunt said that spaceship guard was a good career for a young Vogon - 128 00:09:13,872 --> 00:09:18,888 you know, the uniform, the low-slung stun-ray holster, mindless tedium... 129 00:09:19,008 --> 00:09:21,680 Ford, this guy's half-throttling me! 130 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,794 Yeah, but try and understand his problem. 131 00:09:24,914 --> 00:09:26,614 Here he is, poor guy, 132 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:30,603 his entire life is stamping around, pushing people off spaceships... 133 00:09:30,723 --> 00:09:33,562 - And shouting... - Yeah, and shouting! 134 00:09:34,795 --> 00:09:37,636 And he doesn't even know why he's doing it. 135 00:09:37,756 --> 00:09:40,196 Poignant, very poignant (!) 136 00:09:40,316 --> 00:09:43,085 - Now you've put it like that... - Good lad. 137 00:09:43,205 --> 00:09:45,257 All right, but what's the alternative? 138 00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:49,594 Stop doing it! Tell them you're not going to do it any more. 139 00:09:50,603 --> 00:09:52,240 Doesn't sound that great to me! 140 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,971 That's just the start. There's more than that... 141 00:09:55,091 --> 00:09:57,226 No, if it's all the same to you, 142 00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:00,120 I'll just get you two shoved out, 143 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:05,279 and then get on with some other bits of shouting. Resistance is useless! 144 00:10:05,399 --> 00:10:07,228 But come on... Now, look... 145 00:10:07,348 --> 00:10:08,906 Ow! Stop that! 146 00:10:09,469 --> 00:10:12,957 Hang on! There's music and art and things to tell you about yet! 147 00:10:13,077 --> 00:10:16,392 I think I better stick to what I know, thanks, 148 00:10:16,512 --> 00:10:18,142 but thanks for taking an interest. 149 00:10:18,262 --> 00:10:20,441 I've got a headache! I don't want to go to heaven with a headache! 150 00:10:20,561 --> 00:10:22,232 I'll be all cross and won't enjoy it. 151 00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:29,152 There's a whole world you know nothing about. How about this...? 152 00:10:31,841 --> 00:10:35,520 - Doesn't that stir anything in you? ...No. 153 00:10:36,843 --> 00:10:39,636 Bye. I'll tell my aunt what you said. 154 00:10:43,491 --> 00:10:45,135 Potentially bright lad, I thought. 155 00:10:50,376 --> 00:10:52,478 ...Nah! 156 00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:57,360 - We're trapped now, aren't we? - Yeah, we're trapped. 157 00:10:57,644 --> 00:10:59,272 Well, didn't you think of anything? 158 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,468 - Yeah. - What? 159 00:11:01,588 --> 00:11:04,661 Unfortunately, it involved being on the other side of this hatchway. 160 00:11:06,152 --> 00:11:08,480 So that's it? We're going to die? 161 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:09,239 Yeah. 162 00:11:11,344 --> 00:11:13,560 Except... no! 163 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,960 Wait a minute! What's this switch? 164 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,518 What? Where? 165 00:11:20,878 --> 00:11:24,353 No, I was only fooling. We're going to die after all. 166 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:29,200 You know, it's at times like this, 167 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,838 when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse 168 00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:33,852 and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, 169 00:11:33,972 --> 00:11:36,872 that I wish I'd listened to what my mother told me. 170 00:11:36,992 --> 00:11:40,146 - Why? What did she tell you? - I don't know... I didn't listen. 171 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:42,553 Oh, terrific. 172 00:11:48,572 --> 00:11:52,564 "Counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor"! 173 00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,307 Huh! Death's too good for them! 174 00:12:05,563 --> 00:12:09,661 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. 175 00:12:10,248 --> 00:12:12,233 'The introduction starts like this: 176 00:12:28,493 --> 00:12:29,820 'And so on... 177 00:12:30,513 --> 00:12:32,661 'After a while, the style settles down a bit, 178 00:12:32,781 --> 00:12:35,729 'and it starts telling you things you actually need to know, 179 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:40,110 'like the fact that the fabulously beautiful planet of Bethselamin... 180 00:12:40,230 --> 00:12:43,291 'is now so worried about the cumulative erosion 181 00:12:43,411 --> 00:12:47,107 'caused by 10 billion tourists a year 182 00:12:47,227 --> 00:12:50,337 'that any net imbalance between the amount you eat 183 00:12:50,457 --> 00:12:52,815 'and the amount you excrete whilst on the planet 184 00:12:52,935 --> 00:12:56,326 'is surgically removed from your body weight when you leave.' 185 00:13:01,232 --> 00:13:03,546 'So every time you go to the lavatory there, 186 00:13:03,666 --> 00:13:06,868 'it's vitally important to get a receipt. 187 00:13:09,029 --> 00:13:12,114 'In the entry in which it talks about dying of asphyxiation 188 00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:15,073 '30 seconds after being thrown out of a spaceship... 189 00:13:29,090 --> 00:13:35,920 '... which, amazingly, was also the phone number of an Islington flat 190 00:13:36,135 --> 00:13:39,207 'where Arthur once went to a very good party, 191 00:13:39,548 --> 00:13:41,368 'where he ate some very good food, 192 00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:46,640 'had some very good drinks with some very good friends 193 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:51,840 'and met a very nice girl whom he totally failed to get off with.' 194 00:13:52,385 --> 00:13:53,891 Is this guy bothering you? 195 00:13:57,730 --> 00:13:59,879 'Though the planet Earth, the Islington flat, 196 00:13:59,999 --> 00:14:02,703 'and the telephone have all now been demolished... 197 00:14:02,823 --> 00:14:04,405 'it's comforting to reflect 198 00:14:04,525 --> 00:14:08,398 'that they are all in some small way commemorated by the fact 199 00:14:08,518 --> 00:14:14,412 'that some 29 seconds later Arthur and Ford were, in fact, rescued.' 200 00:14:16,196 --> 00:14:19,000 - Told you I'd think of something... - Oh, sure (!) 201 00:14:19,415 --> 00:14:23,000 Bright idea of mine to find a passing spaceship and get rescued by it. 202 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,600 Come on! The chances against it were astronomical. 203 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:26,935 Don't knock it! It worked! 204 00:14:30,985 --> 00:14:32,253 Where the hell are we? 205 00:14:33,286 --> 00:14:36,421 Well, it looks like the seafront at Southend. 206 00:14:37,149 --> 00:14:40,091 God, I'm relieved to hear you say that! 207 00:14:40,211 --> 00:14:44,840 - I thought I must be going mad! - Perhaps you only thought I said it. 208 00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:48,960 - Well, did you or didn't you? - I think so. 209 00:14:49,924 --> 00:14:50,722 Perhaps we're both going mad. 210 00:14:52,201 --> 00:14:54,397 Nice day for it-sun... 211 00:14:55,184 --> 00:14:56,111 Sea... 212 00:14:57,535 --> 00:15:00,200 You know, if this is Southend, there's something very odd about it. 213 00:15:01,081 --> 00:15:03,559 You mean the way the sea stays steady as a rock... 214 00:15:03,841 --> 00:15:06,177 and the buildings keep washing up and down? 215 00:15:08,512 --> 00:15:09,639 I thought that was odd. 216 00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:13,842 2 to the power of 100,000 to 1 against and falling. 217 00:15:13,962 --> 00:15:16,558 What's that? 218 00:15:16,678 --> 00:15:18,554 It sounded like a measurement of probability. 219 00:15:18,674 --> 00:15:20,116 What does it mean? 220 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:24,609 I don't know. But I definitely think we're on some kind of spaceship. 221 00:15:26,041 --> 00:15:28,920 Then, I can only assume we're not in the first-class compartment (!) 222 00:15:30,376 --> 00:15:32,431 Southend seems to be melting away... 223 00:15:34,686 --> 00:15:38,440 The stars are swirling... a dustbowl... 224 00:15:38,913 --> 00:15:40,080 snow... 225 00:15:41,924 --> 00:15:44,378 My leg's drifting off into the sunset... 226 00:15:50,976 --> 00:15:52,702 My left arm's disappeared! 227 00:15:53,183 --> 00:15:55,626 How am I going to operate my digital watch now? 228 00:15:57,046 --> 00:15:59,850 Ford, you're turning into a penguin! Stop it! 229 00:16:00,978 --> 00:16:01,882 Qu-what? 230 00:16:06,073 --> 00:16:10,450 2 to the power of 75,000 to 1 against and falling... 231 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:14,310 Hey! Who are you? Where are you? 232 00:16:14,430 --> 00:16:17,518 What's going on? And is there any way of stopping it? 233 00:16:17,638 --> 00:16:20,040 Relax. You are perfectly safe. 234 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,214 That's not the point! 235 00:16:22,859 --> 00:16:25,854 The point is that I am now a perfectly safe penguin 236 00:16:26,546 --> 00:16:29,697 and my colleague is rapidly running out of limbs. 237 00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:36,660 Isn't there anything you feel you ought to be telling us? 238 00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:39,431 Welcome to the starship Heart of Gold. 239 00:16:39,658 --> 00:16:43,850 Please do not be alarmed by anything you see or hear around you. 240 00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:46,627 You are bound to feel some initial ill effects 241 00:16:46,747 --> 00:16:50,715 as you have been rescued from certain death at an improbability level 242 00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:58,543 of 2 to the power of 260,199 to 1 against, possibly much higher. 243 00:16:58,825 --> 00:17:03,778 We are now cruising at a level of 2 to the power of 25,000 to 1 against 244 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:07,440 and falling, and we will be restoring normality 245 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:12,960 as soon as we are sure what normal is. Thank you. 2 to the power... 246 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,768 Arthur, this is fantastic! 247 00:17:14,888 --> 00:17:18,183 We've been picked up by a ship with the new Infinite Improbability Drive! 248 00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:20,440 This is incredible, Arthur... 249 00:17:21,729 --> 00:17:25,252 Arthur? What's happening? 250 00:17:27,048 --> 00:17:29,880 Ford, there's an infinite number of monkeys out here 251 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,914 who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out. 252 00:17:37,704 --> 00:17:39,677 'The Infinite Improbability Drive 253 00:17:39,797 --> 00:17:43,079 'is a wonderful new method of crossing interstellar distances 254 00:17:43,199 --> 00:17:47,577 'in a few seconds, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. 255 00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:52,866 'The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability, 256 00:17:52,986 --> 00:17:57,504 'by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain 257 00:17:57,624 --> 00:17:58,862 'to an atomic vector plotter, 258 00:17:58,982 --> 00:18:03,440 'suspended in a Brownian Motion producer-say, a nice cup of tea - 259 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,365 'had long been understood, 260 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:08,769 'and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties 261 00:18:08,889 --> 00:18:11,998 'by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarments 262 00:18:12,118 --> 00:18:14,769 'simultaneously leap one foot to the left, 263 00:18:15,592 --> 00:18:18,586 'in accordance with the theory of indeterminacy. 264 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:25,888 'Many respectable physicists said they wouldn't stand for such a thing, 265 00:18:26,008 --> 00:18:28,518 'partly because it was a debasement of science, 266 00:18:28,638 --> 00:18:32,381 'but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties. 267 00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:34,940 'Another thing they couldn't stand 268 00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:39,238 'was their perpetual failure in trying to construct a machine 269 00:18:39,358 --> 00:18:42,481 'which could generate the Infinite Improbability field 270 00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:46,520 'needed to flip a spaceship between the furthest stars... 271 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:47,534 'and, in the end, 272 00:18:47,654 --> 00:18:51,691 'they grumpily announced that such a machine was virtually impossible. 273 00:18:55,316 --> 00:18:59,160 'Then, one evening, a student, who had been left to sweep up the lab 274 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,938 'after a particularly unsuccessful party, 275 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,029 'found himself reasoning this way... 276 00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:08,120 "'If such a machine is a virtual impossibility, 277 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,000 "'then it must, logically, be a finite improbability. 278 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,400 "'So all I have to do to make one 279 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,219 "'is work out exactly how improbable it is... 280 00:19:17,339 --> 00:19:21,270 "'feed that figure into the finite improbability generator... 281 00:19:21,390 --> 00:19:25,074 "'give it a fresh cup of really hot tea and turn it on." 282 00:19:27,589 --> 00:19:31,440 'The moment he did this, he was rather startled to discover 283 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,497 'that he had managed to create the long sought-after 284 00:19:34,617 --> 00:19:38,325 'Infinite Improbability Generator out of thin air. 285 00:19:47,841 --> 00:19:49,379 'It startled him even more 286 00:19:49,499 --> 00:19:53,242 'when, just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's prize 287 00:19:53,362 --> 00:19:54,604 'for extreme cleverness, 288 00:19:54,724 --> 00:19:58,960 'he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists 289 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,636 'who had finally realised 290 00:20:00,756 --> 00:20:04,474 'the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smartass!' 291 00:20:10,775 --> 00:20:13,600 5 to 1 against and falling. 292 00:20:14,051 --> 00:20:17,160 4 to 1 against and falling. 293 00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:19,120 3 to 1... 294 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,840 2... 1... 295 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,880 Probability factor of 1 to 1. 296 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:29,960 We have normality. I repeat-we have normality. 297 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:33,397 Anything you still can't cope with is, therefore, your own problem. 298 00:20:33,517 --> 00:20:37,671 - Who are they, Trillian? - A couple of guys we picked up. 299 00:20:38,035 --> 00:20:43,280 Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. 300 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,913 That's very sweet, Trillian, 301 00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:48,040 but do you really think it's wise? 302 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,520 We're on the run and everything, 303 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,650 we've got the police of half the Galaxy after us, 304 00:20:52,770 --> 00:20:54,455 and we pick up hitchhikers. 305 00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:59,240 10 out of 10 for style, but minus several million for thinking. 306 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:03,640 They were floating in open space. You didn't want them to die, did you? 307 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,480 Not as such... 308 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:07,680 A second later, they'd have died. 309 00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:11,682 So if you'd thought about it a moment longer, it would've gone away, right? 310 00:21:11,802 --> 00:21:15,530 Anyway, I didn't pick them up. The ship did-all by itself. 311 00:21:18,456 --> 00:21:20,600 - Hey, what? - Hey, what? 312 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,440 - The ship picked them up by itself. - So what? 313 00:21:24,028 --> 00:21:27,304 The ship... Oh, forget it and go back to sleep! 314 00:21:31,215 --> 00:21:34,007 We picked them up while we were in Infinite Improbability Drive. 315 00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:38,463 - But that's incredible! - No, just very, very improbable. 316 00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:41,917 Don't worry about the aliens. Just a couple of guys, I expect. 317 00:21:42,152 --> 00:21:45,675 I'll send the robot down to check them out. Marvin? 318 00:21:53,267 --> 00:21:57,351 I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. 319 00:21:57,471 --> 00:21:58,407 Oh, God! 320 00:21:58,527 --> 00:22:01,213 Here's something to take your mind off things. 321 00:22:01,333 --> 00:22:05,760 It won't work. I have an exceptionally large mind. 322 00:22:05,995 --> 00:22:06,829 Marvin! 323 00:22:07,357 --> 00:22:10,840 All right. What do you want me to do? 324 00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:15,677 Go down to number 3 entry bay and bring the two aliens up here. 325 00:22:18,225 --> 00:22:20,327 Just that? 326 00:22:21,231 --> 00:22:23,685 - Yes. - I won't enjoy it. 327 00:22:23,805 --> 00:22:26,221 Just do it! 328 00:22:26,820 --> 00:22:28,600 All right! I'll do it. 329 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,320 Good. Great. Thank you. 330 00:22:32,147 --> 00:22:34,730 I'm not getting you down at all, am I? 331 00:22:34,850 --> 00:22:37,437 No, no, Marvin, that's just fine, really. 332 00:22:37,557 --> 00:22:39,821 I wouldn't like to think I was getting you down. 333 00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:41,347 No, don't worry about that. 334 00:22:41,467 --> 00:22:44,647 You just act naturally and everything will be fine. 335 00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:48,388 - You're sure you don't mind? - No, no. It's just part of life. 336 00:22:48,752 --> 00:22:53,343 Life! Don't talk to me about life! 337 00:22:55,997 --> 00:22:59,651 I don't think I can stand that robot much longer, Zaphod. 338 00:23:00,884 --> 00:23:04,360 'The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot 339 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:08,615 'as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. 340 00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:15,061 'The Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 341 00:23:15,181 --> 00:23:19,620 'defines a robot as: 342 00:23:24,681 --> 00:23:26,580 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy 343 00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:31,056 'defines the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation: 344 00:23:44,973 --> 00:23:48,425 'Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica 345 00:23:48,545 --> 00:23:51,992 'that fell through a time warp from 1,000 years in the future 346 00:23:52,112 --> 00:23:56,021 'defines the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 347 00:23:56,141 --> 00:23:58,366 'as "A bunch of mindless jerks 348 00:23:58,486 --> 00:24:01,881 "'who were the first against the wall when the revolution came."' 349 00:24:07,791 --> 00:24:10,186 I think this ship is brand-new, Arthur. 350 00:24:10,306 --> 00:24:12,800 Have you got some exotic device for measuring the age of metal? 351 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,521 No. I just found this sales brochure. 352 00:24:15,641 --> 00:24:19,200 "The Universe can be yours for a mere five quilliard Altairian dollars." 353 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:19,856 Cheap? 354 00:24:19,976 --> 00:24:23,972 A quilliard is a whole page of noughts with a one at the beginning. 355 00:24:24,430 --> 00:24:27,424 Ah, this is what I was after! 356 00:24:27,764 --> 00:24:31,075 "Sensational new breakthrough in improbability physics. 357 00:24:31,522 --> 00:24:34,417 "As the ship's drive reaches Infinite Improbability, 358 00:24:34,537 --> 00:24:38,494 "it passes through every point in the Universe. 359 00:24:38,614 --> 00:24:43,575 "Be the envy of other major governments." Wow! 360 00:24:43,695 --> 00:24:47,360 It's a whole lot better than that dingy Vogon crate! 361 00:24:47,922 --> 00:24:49,766 This is my idea of a spaceship, 362 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,920 all gleaming metal, flashing lights, everything... 363 00:24:55,398 --> 00:24:59,800 - What happens if I press this? - Don't! 364 00:25:01,858 --> 00:25:02,609 Oh! 365 00:25:04,042 --> 00:25:04,760 What happened? 366 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,819 A sign lit up saying, "Please do not press this button again." 367 00:25:14,045 --> 00:25:16,264 They make a big thing of the ship's cybernetics. 368 00:25:16,874 --> 00:25:19,776 "A new generation of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation computers 369 00:25:19,896 --> 00:25:21,840 "and robots with the new GPP feature." 370 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,498 GPP? What's that? 371 00:25:23,618 --> 00:25:28,800 - Genuine People Personalities. - Sounds ghastly. 372 00:25:29,178 --> 00:25:30,400 It is. 373 00:25:32,118 --> 00:25:32,760 What? 374 00:25:33,081 --> 00:25:37,000 It all is. Absolutely ghastly. 375 00:25:37,351 --> 00:25:39,880 Just don't even talk about it. 376 00:25:40,514 --> 00:25:42,146 Look at this door. 377 00:25:42,663 --> 00:25:47,280 "All the doors in this spacecraft have a cheerful, sunny disposition. 378 00:25:47,515 --> 00:25:50,025 "It is their pleasure to open for you 379 00:25:50,145 --> 00:25:52,246 "and their satisfaction to close again 380 00:25:52,366 --> 00:25:55,134 "with the knowledge of a job well done." 381 00:25:55,254 --> 00:25:57,991 Glad to be of service. 382 00:25:58,111 --> 00:26:00,116 Hateful, isn't it? 383 00:26:01,607 --> 00:26:05,822 Come on. I've been ordered to take you up to the bridge. 384 00:26:06,245 --> 00:26:09,560 Here I am, brain the size of a planet, 385 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,960 and they tell me to take you up to the bridge. 386 00:26:13,924 --> 00:26:17,916 Call that job satisfaction? 'Cause I don't! 387 00:26:18,838 --> 00:26:22,757 - Which government owns this ship? - Watch this door. 388 00:26:22,877 --> 00:26:24,767 It's about to open again. 389 00:26:25,049 --> 00:26:29,680 I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates. 390 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,680 Enjoy your trip through this door! 391 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,422 Come on. 392 00:26:39,770 --> 00:26:41,755 Thank you! 393 00:26:41,875 --> 00:26:43,258 Thank you very much, 394 00:26:43,378 --> 00:26:48,721 the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation (!) 395 00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:54,451 Excuse me... Which government...? 396 00:26:54,571 --> 00:27:00,480 "Let's build robots with Genuine People Personalities," they said, 397 00:27:01,583 --> 00:27:03,870 so they tried it out with me. 398 00:27:04,448 --> 00:27:09,279 I'm a personality prototype... You can tell, can't you? 399 00:27:09,399 --> 00:27:11,937 - Which govern...? - I hate that door. 400 00:27:13,733 --> 00:27:16,000 I'm not getting you down, am I? 401 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,617 Which government owns this...? 402 00:27:17,737 --> 00:27:21,680 No government owns it. It's been stolen. 403 00:27:22,502 --> 00:27:25,192 - Stolen? - Stolen? 404 00:27:25,484 --> 00:27:27,964 - Who by? - Zaphod Beeblebrox. 405 00:27:28,084 --> 00:27:33,160 - Zaphod Beeblebrox?! - Sorry, did I say something wrong? 406 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:34,837 Pardon me for breathing, 407 00:27:34,957 --> 00:27:38,383 which I never do anyway, so I don't know why I bother to say it. 408 00:27:38,503 --> 00:27:41,882 Oh, God, I'm so depressed! 409 00:27:43,491 --> 00:27:46,755 Here's another of those self-satisfied doors! 410 00:27:47,143 --> 00:27:51,974 Life! Don't talk to me about life! 411 00:27:52,338 --> 00:27:54,156 No one even mentioned it! 412 00:27:54,276 --> 00:27:56,840 Glad to be of service. 413 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,017 Really, Zaphod Beeblebrox...! 414 00:28:01,653 --> 00:28:03,811 ... Reports brought to you here on the sub-etha waveband, 415 00:28:03,931 --> 00:28:06,500 broadcasting around the Galaxy, around the clock. 416 00:28:06,620 --> 00:28:09,751 We'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent lifeforms everywhere. 417 00:28:09,871 --> 00:28:14,049 And to everyone else, the secret is bang the rocks together, guys. 418 00:28:14,169 --> 00:28:16,985 The big story tonight is the sensational theft 419 00:28:17,105 --> 00:28:21,651 of the Improbability prototype ship, by none other than Zaphod Beeblebrox. 420 00:28:21,771 --> 00:28:23,479 And the question everyone's asking - 421 00:28:23,599 --> 00:28:25,838 has the big Zee finally flipped? 422 00:28:25,958 --> 00:28:29,138 Beeblebrox, inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, 423 00:28:29,258 --> 00:28:32,347 ex-confidence trickster, part-time Galactic President, 424 00:28:32,467 --> 00:28:38,535 described by Eccentrica Gallumbits as "The best bang since the big one", 425 00:28:38,655 --> 00:28:42,071 and recently voted the worst-dressed sentient being in the Universe 426 00:28:42,191 --> 00:28:43,621 for the seventh time running... 427 00:28:43,741 --> 00:28:49,151 Has he got an answer? We asked his brain care specialist Gag Halfrunt. 428 00:28:49,820 --> 00:28:53,166 Well, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know... 429 00:28:55,127 --> 00:28:57,414 Beeblebrox stole the Improbability Drive Ship 430 00:28:57,534 --> 00:28:59,941 when he was meant to be launching it... 431 00:29:01,582 --> 00:29:04,553 - Hey, kid, what'd you do that for? - I just thought of something. 432 00:29:04,673 --> 00:29:07,007 Worth interrupting a bulletin about me for? 433 00:29:07,127 --> 00:29:09,508 Can we leave your ego out of this? This is important. 434 00:29:09,628 --> 00:29:13,384 If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it shot! 435 00:29:13,504 --> 00:29:18,000 - We picked up the couple of guys... - What couple of guys? 436 00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:21,111 - The couple of guys we picked up! - Oh, yeah. Those couple of guys. 437 00:29:21,231 --> 00:29:27,880 We picked them up in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. 438 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,560 - Yeah! - Does that mean anything to you? 439 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,905 - Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha! - Well? 440 00:29:35,936 --> 00:29:37,320 What does the Z mean? 441 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,095 - Which one? - Any one. 442 00:29:40,034 --> 00:29:42,735 Would you mind looking at the Galactic charts? 443 00:29:42,855 --> 00:29:46,560 Hey, that's wild! 444 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:51,323 We should have zapped right into the Horsehead Nebula. That is nowhere! 445 00:29:51,443 --> 00:29:52,943 Improbability Drive. 446 00:29:53,063 --> 00:29:55,903 We pass through every point in the Universe! 447 00:29:56,023 --> 00:29:58,157 Yeah, but actually picking those dudes up there 448 00:29:58,277 --> 00:30:02,102 is just too wild a coincidence. I want to work this out. Computer! 449 00:30:02,222 --> 00:30:08,108 Hi, there. Whatever your problem, I am here to help you solve it. 450 00:30:08,228 --> 00:30:11,800 - Shut up and work something out. - A probability forecast based on... 451 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:13,200 Improbability data! 452 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:18,400 OK. Did you know most people's lives are governed by telephone numbers? 453 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,508 Telephone numbers? 454 00:30:26,005 --> 00:30:30,488 I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. 455 00:30:30,608 --> 00:30:31,394 Really? 456 00:30:31,514 --> 00:30:34,758 Oh, yes. I mean, I've asked for them to be replaced, 457 00:30:34,878 --> 00:30:36,907 but no one ever listens. 458 00:30:37,588 --> 00:30:39,020 I can imagine. 459 00:30:41,885 --> 00:30:45,080 Well, well, well, Zaphod Beeblebrox! 460 00:30:45,324 --> 00:30:49,445 I don't believe it! This is just too amazing! 461 00:30:49,565 --> 00:30:51,840 Trillian! Trillian? 462 00:30:52,838 --> 00:30:55,644 Oh, this is going to be great! 463 00:30:56,172 --> 00:31:01,221 I'm going to be so amazingly cool it would fluster a Vegan snow lizard! 464 00:31:01,341 --> 00:31:05,200 What real cool! Several million points out of ten for style! 465 00:31:06,087 --> 00:31:10,573 Right, which is the most nonchalant chair to be discovered in? 466 00:31:13,217 --> 00:31:16,200 Glad to be of service. 467 00:31:23,511 --> 00:31:27,000 I suppose you'll want to see the aliens now. 468 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:32,336 Do you want me to rust in a corner or fall apart where I'm standing? 469 00:31:32,456 --> 00:31:34,120 Show them in. 470 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,762 Thank you. 471 00:31:39,251 --> 00:31:44,323 Ford, hi. How are you? Glad you could drop in. 472 00:31:45,919 --> 00:31:48,761 Oh, hi, Zaphod, great to see you. You're looking well. 473 00:31:48,984 --> 00:31:54,103 The extra arm suits you. Hey, this is a great ship you've stolen! 474 00:31:54,223 --> 00:31:58,240 Ford, you mean you know this person... s? 475 00:31:58,709 --> 00:32:01,949 Know him? He's my... Oh, hey, Zaphod... 476 00:32:02,290 --> 00:32:06,280 This is my friend - Arthur Dent. I saved him when his planet blew up. 477 00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:08,880 Hi, Arthur. Glad you could make it. 478 00:32:09,123 --> 00:32:10,984 - This is... - We've met! 479 00:32:11,795 --> 00:32:12,605 What? 480 00:32:13,849 --> 00:32:16,303 Oh, er, have we? 481 00:32:17,290 --> 00:32:19,028 Hey! 482 00:32:23,905 --> 00:32:26,031 What do you mean-met? 483 00:32:27,017 --> 00:32:29,459 This is Zaphod Beeblebrox from Betelgeuse 5, you know, 484 00:32:29,579 --> 00:32:31,679 not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon. 485 00:32:31,799 --> 00:32:34,591 I don't care. We've met, haven't we, Zaphod? 486 00:32:36,305 --> 00:32:39,217 - Or should I say... Phil? - What? 487 00:32:40,121 --> 00:32:44,927 - At a party six months ago. - Hey, I really doubt that... 488 00:32:45,503 --> 00:32:48,356 On Earth, England, 489 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,040 London, Islington. 490 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:55,720 - Oh, hey, yeah! That party? - What? 491 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,520 You mean you've been to that miserable little planet as well? 492 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:00,755 I may have dropped in on my way somewhere. 493 00:33:00,875 --> 00:33:03,280 At this party was a girl I was after. 494 00:33:03,620 --> 00:33:05,966 Beautiful, charming, devastatingly intelligent... 495 00:33:06,086 --> 00:33:08,103 everything I'd been saving myself up for. 496 00:33:08,373 --> 00:33:12,788 Along comes your friend and says, "Hey, doll! Is this guy boring you?" 497 00:33:12,908 --> 00:33:16,640 "Why don't you talk to me? I'm from a different planet." 498 00:33:16,930 --> 00:33:19,898 - Zaphod? - He only had two arms and one head, 499 00:33:20,018 --> 00:33:21,838 and called himself Phil, but... 500 00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:25,600 But you must admit, he was from another planet! 501 00:33:25,869 --> 00:33:27,665 Good heavens! Tricia McMillan! 502 00:33:27,785 --> 00:33:32,474 - Trillian to you. - Infinity minus 1. 503 00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,280 - For my next trick... - Shut up! 504 00:33:35,905 --> 00:33:36,920 What are you doing here? 505 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,075 Same as you. I hitched a lift. 506 00:33:39,195 --> 00:33:42,333 With a degree in maths and another in astrophysics, 507 00:33:42,453 --> 00:33:45,000 it was either that or back to the dole on Monday. 508 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,300 Oh, God! Ford, this is Trillian. 509 00:33:47,420 --> 00:33:49,487 Hi! Trillian, my semi-cousin, Ford, 510 00:33:49,607 --> 00:33:51,589 who shares three of the same mothers as me. 511 00:33:51,709 --> 00:33:55,350 Is this sort of thing going to happen every time we use the Drive? 512 00:33:55,470 --> 00:33:57,652 Very probably, I'm afraid. 513 00:33:58,180 --> 00:34:02,830 Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink. Hi. 514 00:34:03,830 --> 00:34:13,830 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org